I figured it out … why I wasn’t able to post anything…
it won’t allow me to post stuff on my phone anymore, weird
I’ve gone without internet for so long I don’t think I’m capable of staying on the computer for too long. Getting used to it
but my phone data has been suffering sooooo I need internet back ….
learning how to be patient
gahhhh
im in the middle of writing my paper that is due in like 6 hours lol
well technically its longer but i gotta get to school by 10am ish and its due 2:30
i dunno what im writing and not close to finishing
but i cant stop smiling right now
you make me so happy ^^ all i want to do is talk on the phone, hear ur laughter and see u ~ occupying in all my thoughts the clouds are filled with unknown new things
is this what it feels like to be happy, to smile for no apparent reason ?
why is it that my emotions like to juggle around and make me feel bipolar?
is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time ? cuz thats what i think im feeling
Is it true??
Do all good things eventually come to an end? In order to obtain one good thing, one must unwillingly hand over an already obtained good thing?
That there is a hidden bad thing tagging along with the good thing?
Is it inevitable ?? Happy yet worried it’s going to bring sadness. Be careful what you say, it can be mis-interpreted by the listener. It may sound like you’re contradicting yourself. Setting yourself up for that sadness. Or do we un-intentionally create that sadness while in the happy state. Are we to blame for our own miseries and fears?
Can’t stop thinking about it. Wishes that I took back the words I’ve spoken. It was my nerves talking. I didn’t know what I wanted .. what to expect. All I knew was how I felt about myself. How I might mess up when the phone rings and how I’ll mess up when we meet. I’m slow with this cuz I haven’t yet adjusted. New to this old world. No experience and scared. Carefully plan out the steps to make sure there are no screw ups.
But at the same time… isn’t that what life is all about?? The unknowing, the screw ups, the learning experiences?? The thought of ” If things don’t work out what could you have done to avoid it? ” haunts the very being in me. It is cuz of all the blame I put on myself?? The guilt I’ve been collecting, that’s hauled on my back for all these years?? The worthlessness … Will it ever go away? How do u unbuckle the loads of self hate and set yourself free from all this negativity?
Am I good enough to be ur friend?? The understanding of the fact that they might not be okay with even knowing you. Scares me.
From being a pusher to an acceptor.. making as many friends as possible. it’s going to be hard, like a dog learning new tricks. With patients and constant reassurance, saying that you love yourself ever
cant stop thinking, overpowering
gotta focus gotta focus but cant stop focusing on u
distracted, melted, experience
why are feelings so hard to read, express, not have
i dont like this yet i do
dont you hate the feeling of being wanted yet fearing that exact want.
why is it so hard to built ur life and one little tumble brings u to the bottom?? why are faults more damaging, more significant than success?? its not fair to do so well then have everything tumbling before u .
its really hard to focus on school . I cant stop wondering whats going on in my other life. its not only full of work, school, family, friends…
I feel like its so easy to talk to u yet its so hard. every word said/written comes back at me and waiting for ur words stabs at whatever thoughts i had previously. makes me wonder if these words should not have been said, is the timing wrong, am i suddenly of not importance? do u not know what words to express as well? I dont make sense yet i do but it doesnt matter cuz it only matters that i clear this out. i dont know how to behave in a normative way cuz im built to hibernate, hermit, push everyone away. Call it a defense mechanism if u must but its a way to cope and stay safe, or so i thought. Its the exact opposite because in order to succeed one must be …….. s..o..c…i…a…l
Being a stubborn fighter like myself adjusting to this „, “normal” thing is like being reborn. Its like the world has ended, all that protective wall has been destroyed slowly and painfully. its still in the middle of an ongoing battle. me vs me. The part that so desperately wants to let go and be free~ The other who warns me that its unsafe out there, that ive got everything i need here , continue to hide and be unnoticed. cram away in the dark corner , be good and never change. lately the other part has been fighting hard, can it be the end of this war once and for all? does it all depend on you? will u set me free? all this is nice but can i handle it ? these mixed emotions, these thoughts, the want, its not obsession„, its „, like
i think i .. but first i need to like myself
who will win in the end … i wanna give u guys names. the part can be called … you and the other can be called… me . i dunno who im rooting for
The world is full of shit. With little tiny diamonds hidden within.
Gotta wash all the shit away to let them diamonds grow and shine.
The answer is so clear yet so far. How does one continue to find those diamonds? Sometimes these diamonds pop out when u least expect but for it to remain unhidden u gotta work hard for it.
Life is full of screwups so why do we care so much about whether we are gonna screw it up or when we do screw up??
It’s like a never ending battle, the world against you and God.
I’ve been distant so how can I fight ?? I need to get closer to God.
Stuck in a pickle
What do I do about school and everything ??
God help mee T^T
